“Goofing on Albert”

A new segment debuts today on Back to Foulke and it’s called: “Goofing on Albert Breer.” Less you aren’t familiar with Al, he used to cover the NFL for the Boston Globe and I guess you could say he was a bit of contrarian. More a nuisance than anything else, Breer is one of those guys who specializes in the obvious and juvenile dig. And frequently, those digs were aimed at the hometown Pats. In that respect, I’d say he is a bit like the Globe’s Pete Abraham but less insightful and more sophomoric.

Well Breer – an Ohio State grad – has moved on to the NFL network which means I don’t get to see him because my cable company – Time Warner – refuses to pay the NFL a carriage fee. But I still follow him on Twitter, and that provides more than enough fodder for ridicule.

The inspiration for a Breer segment really started the other night when I noticed Albert was aghast that he couldn’t watch the Oklahoma-Oklahoma State football game from his hotel in Buffalo. It seems that Albert didn’t take “internet survival skills 101” at Ohio State because he seemed totally oblivious to the fact that most college football games are streamed over the internet and available in places as far off the beaten path as Buffalo. So last night’s post – “ABC is Really Screwing Us With This Notre Dame Garbage” – really served as the “pilot” for “Goofing on Albert.”

Due to the overwhelming success of the pilot – seen in more than thirty households – BacktoFoulke has decided to pick up “Goofing on Breer” up for the balance of the season. And like FireJoeMorgan.Com – which specialized in parsing Joe Morgan chats and breaking Joe’s gaffs down to the nub – Goofing on Breer will delve into the wonderful world of Albert’s tweets to uncover the mysteries of Albert’s motivations and his thought process. With that ….. here are a handful of Breer’s Tweets from the weekend …..

 * “Totally understand Manning/Brady arguments, but no longer understand why people fight the idea of Rivers as NFL MVP” First off, who is fighting Rivers? The people who have him in second behind Brady? If there are people out there “fighting” him, they sure aren’t putting up a huge fight as he currently sits right off the lead. And Albert, what is hard to understand about giving the award to the guy who leads the league in “adjusted” passing (Football Outsiders) and plays for a 9-2 team? If that one is tripping you up, perhaps we should get you a tutor before you cast your vote.  

* “Not sure how much longer we can call AFC West a bad division. Yes, Denver is reeling. But KC, Oakland look legit, Bolts rounding into form.”  Oakland looks legit? Relative to what ….. Purdue?  That comment might have carried a couple ounces of credibility on the night of November 7, but since then, the Silver & Black have been routed in Pittsburgh and strapped at home against the Fish. In those two games, they have managed to give up more than 900 yards which is more than double their offensive total. That is legit? Fraudulent is more like it. “With the 11th pick in the draft, by way of Oakland, the Patriots select Akeem Ayers …. UCLA. ”

* “In case you missed it, three Big 10 teams finished the season among the top seven in the AP poll. And could be Top 5 or 6 by next weekend.”  This is a pretty standard case of “Big 10 Inferiority” that Albert is carrying around. Unable to sleep at night, knowing that college football fans think the Big 10 is where children play, Albert chooses to go on the offensive with this rant. What Breer doesn’t mention is that the Big 10 is as top-heavy as a C+ porn star that just paid to go from 34B to 38E. I say that because not a single team other than the Big 3 – Whiskey, Ohio State, and MSU – got a vote in this week’s AP poll.  So yes Albert … three in the top seven but NO ONE else in the top 34.  And as good as Whiskey has looked of late … well, Bucky had to block at extra point at home to avoid OT with a currently bowl ineligible team from the Pac-10.

* “@Metergerbill You mean like last year, when we smoked Oregon? #payattention” This is Albert’s take on last year’s Rose Bowl where “his” Buckeyes led Oregon 19-17 after three and scored a TD with seven minutes to go to put the Ducks away. That Oregon came right back and missed a 45 yard FG that would have cut the lead to six with five minutes seems incongruent with the word “smoked” but I will cut Albert a little slack here. But I do take offense to the “#payattention” hashtag, which is way too patronizing from someone who went to school with 65K other undergrads.

“@zacharywgreen I went to Ohio State, so I’ve seen Oregon plenty. And I’ve followed Big Ten football my whole life, so I’m familiar w/Pac-10.”  This one is a bit more tortured than the rest. Let me see if I follow …. Breer went to Ohio State and that is THE reason he’s seen Oregon “plenty?” For the record, the Bucks and Ducks have played once since 1987. That is a pretty liberal definition of plenty.

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